{"product_id":"tactical-shart-survival-kit","title":"NEW Shart Survival Kit: Tactical Edition","description":"\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eWHEN YOUR GUT GOES ROGUE, you need someone with you in the trenches, and Witty Yeti has your back, soldier. We’re ready to fight dirty, even if your underwear isn’t.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eCLEAN UP YOUR BOWELS' DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE. Our tactical reinforcement pack has you covered with 10 Butt Wipes, Disposable Underwear, Tissue Pack, Wood Scraper, Biohazard Bag, and Metal Pin to commemorate your trauma.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eGUARANTEED FOR LIFE, though we can’t warrant your dignity. We offer a No-Nonsense Lifetime Satisfaction Guarantee so if at any point you're not 100% happy, just send us an email, and we promise to make it right (your pants are a lost cause, though).\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eTHE PERFECT GIFT FOR INTESTINAL INSURRECTION. Give the gift of preparedness to anyone who's ever gambled on a fart and lost. When their belly betrays them in enemy territory, they'll remember who had their back (and rear) when it mattered most.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eSILENT BUT DEADLY WENT LOUD AND PROUD. Sometimes the element of surprise works against you - like when that \"silent\" becomes a trumpet solo. This survival kit delivers immediate crisis management when your belly's classified intel goes public.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eWhen your butt writes checks your pants can’t cash, Witty Yeti’s Military-Grade Shart Kit has you covered\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYour sphincter signed a peace treaty, but your breakfast burrito never got the memo. Defend your dignity with our elite clean-up reinforcements.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eSITUATION REPORT: The Rumbling Isn’t Stopping\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYour colon has committed mutiny. Your sphincter has gone rogue. Intelligence suggests your breakfast burrito was actually a sleeper agent. This is not a drill.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eWhen your digestive system goes AWOL, panic is not a strategy.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThis calls for emergency protocols and professional-grade damage control.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThe enemy was inside all along.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThat \"all-clear\" signal from your stomach was hostile propaganda.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eTrusted by the Fierce, the Foolish, the Flatulent\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou need backup from soldiers who've earned their Brown Badge of Courage.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYour Butt’s Best Friend in Times of Crisis!\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eTime to deploy the Special Feces Forces, equipped with advanced derriere defense systems.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eOperation: Brown Thunder Launches Early\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou knew it was coming, but not now, not like this.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou were warned multiple times about gas station sushi.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThat's when you call in the Poop Troop, the only unit that fights dirty and wins clean.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eFor Those About to Shart, We Salute You\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThe brave aren't those who feel no fear. The brave are those who feel a sudden rumble, whisper a quiet prayer, and still trust a sneeze. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eZero-risk gifting.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eWhite elephant champion. Birthday crowd-pleaser. And if it somehow doesn’t deliver? Lifetime 100% money-back guarantee.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch3 dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eIs this actually a real product?\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eWhile the humor is premium grade, so are the supplies. You get 1x pair of disposable underwear, 10x heavy-doody wet wipes, 10x cleanup tissues, 1x commemorative pin, 1x biohazard bag, 1x collectible tin, and 1x emergency wooden scraper.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Witty Yeti","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53044307263798,"sku":"JLS-92336-SPY","price":20.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1675\/9521\/files\/c56018f7-7aaf-584d-a868-9b17662efa89.jpg?v=1764697805","url":"https:\/\/witty-yeti.myshopify.com\/products\/tactical-shart-survival-kit","provider":"Witty Yeti","version":"1.0","type":"link"}