Total Reading Time: ~2.5 minutes
Enough time to do a breathing exercise, because you're probably going to need it this week
Let’s face it: Thanksgiving is stressful AF.
Why? Because your family’s around, that’s why. And yes, your in-laws count as “family.” So does that cousin that you secretly hope was adopted.
I mean, the food on T-Day is delicious. But is it worth all those annoying questions your “family” asks you all day long? Idk. Depends on who’s cooking.
Either way, feel free to use the Yeti’s answers to those questions and comments we all know are coming soon.
Q. “You’re still at that same job? Did you get that promotion yet?”
Nope. My company said they’re saving the promotion for someone who actually has hope left.
Q. *looking up at your air vents* “So….when was the last time you replaced your air filters?”
I replace them every time someone asks invasive questions about my home maintenance.
And I use this special water jug to make sure I get exactly 2,479 ounces of water each day!
Q. “So when are you going to have a(nother) baby?? Clock’s ticking, you know…”
Oh for sure. I’m just waiting for my bank account to respawn.
And the next time you have to give them a gift, wrap it up inside this special box.
No, I’m not having any more crotch goblins—I’m still recovering from the trauma of peeing every time I sneeze.
Q. “You know, by the time I was your age….”
Yeah, well by the time I’m your age, I hope I’m not using my life choices as a weapon at dinner.
Time to send them a Shart Kit to remind them that while their brain thinks about when they were “your age,” their stomach is still old AF and they just ate mashed potatoes and gravy.
Q. “How can you afford that?”
Mostly witchcraft and feet pics. If times get too hard, I might have to start selling my underwear.
You know what makes me feel rich, though? Handing out Bad Parking Cards to a$$h*les who park like they own the whole parking lot.
Make it rain.
Fun fact: there are 4 variations of these, with increasing levels of what your boss would call “inappropriateness.”
cranberry sauce walked so jello shots could run
