January Week 1 Newsletter

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January 2, 2026 Read in Browser
Viva la Resolution(s)
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INCIDENT REPORT: CHILD CHUCKER MISUSE
 
The Office of Operational Product Standards is investigating an incident reported last week in which a Child Chucker Model WY-69 was used to launch a 13-year-old to his education pod center. The child, unnamed to protect his dignity, weighed approximately 20kg beyond the manufacturer's recommended weight limit.
The device reportedly experienced catastrophic spring failure mid-launch, resulting in the child landing in a residential pond three blocks from the intended destination. Neither the child nor the residents of the pond were injured, though the homeowner has filed a complaint with the Neighborhood Association Group. 
 
A spokesperson from the NAGs declined to comment on the incident.

This marks the fourth such incident this quarterly cycle. O.O.P.S. wishes to remind consumers that Child Chuckers are precision-calibrated devices, not growth-adjustable equipment. Attempting to extend usage beyond recommended age/weight limits voids all warranties and incurs high levels of prepubescent embarrassment.

Parents whose children have outgrown their current Chucker are strongly encouraged to upgrade to the TeenTosser line, rated for ages 13-16.
 
 
For questions, contact O.O.P.S. Consumer Safety Division at 3̴̡̼̬̭͎̳̥̆͋̒̈̎̒̒̊͘͘ͅͅ3̴̨̣̺̥̜̑̋̄͆̍͂̄̊̌̑̍́3̵̧̧͍̘̖̰̤͈̻̲͈́̉̄̍͐͂́͋̐͛̍͝-̶͎̝̭̍Ò̵̞͈̦͉͌̉̂̈́̅̍̉̀̚͠O̸̡̮̪̤̼͖̝̱̙͈̠̥͆͜ͅP̴̟̫̪̮̮͙̄͊̽̀͠Ş̸̩̟͈̼̗̮̹̤̗̮̪̯̮̾͋̃̈͑̊́̈͛̽̇͝.
 
What We're Laughing At
Who needs a phone when you have a parakeet
 
Adding to Wishlist for next Christmas
 
We're particularly fond of "Impulse post"
 
Mad respect for Trash Can Guy
 
You feline okay over there?
image of a good-looking guy and beautiful girl with a black hole behind them, text reading "She's from another dimension"
 
Area Man Finally Finds Woman Who Doesn't Eat His Leftovers
 
"The lack of a digestive system is actually a huge plus, since I can't cook," reports local bachelor, who met his new partner when a spatial anomaly appeared in his neighborhood last spring.
 
While relationship counselors have expressed concern about inter-dimensional wall stability and lag time during arguments, the happy boyfriend insists she's the perfect upgrade.
 
 

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