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February 6, 2026
Weird & Witty Valentine Gift Picks
For that special someone. Or that special snowflake, as the case may be
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Fart noises and memes free of charge
Feat. Drop Dead, FU, and other positive affirmations
Eeny meeny tiny weenie
For when a couple inches actually isn't enough
Warning: (very justified) profanity
In the US today, Valentine’s Day is less about history and more about following a very specific, non-negotiable checklist (ahem guys, I’m trying to help you out here).
- You must buy flowers (at three times their normal price, naturally)
- You must give her chocolates in a heart-shaped box (even if they have nuts)
- Buy a gift that communicates, “I planned this well in advance” (whether or not that’s technically true). The answer is, of course, jewelry. She wants jewelry. Put the stuffed animal down. And what do you get the girl who has everything? Nothing. Because nothing is better than something.
- Oh, and don't forget the card! Cards range from deeply emotional to something the (Witty) Yeti came up with, and you are expected to select the exact right one or risk sleeping on the couch.
❤️TLDR: Valentine’s Day gives us permission to be openly sentimental, wildly extra, and just a touch dramatic, all while pretending we’re not fully aware of how expensive thoughtful it is.
Since the way to a man's heart is through his meat
When the moon hits your eye like a tiny pizza pie, that's amore
We really don't want to know
Quoth the raven, WTF
Bonus: Upside-down it looks like a butt
Because no one loves you like voodoo
